So me being the dumb, forgetful person that I am forgot to buy airplane tickets in advance for Thanksgiving break and now the price has sky rocketed to a level where I really don’t want to pay for them…

Usually buying a month in advance would have been alright at my old university, but this is Los Angeles International Airport… I failed to take that into account. *slams head onto desk* I’ve searched multiple airlines and all come up with a total round trip cost of at least $320… I know my parents would be ok with this price, since they’re the ones that are paying but it just doesn’t sit well with me.

Ever since I got into college, I’ve become really stingy with money when it comes to buying things for myself. (Ok, besides video games haha…) I’d rather spend my Thanksgiving alone here in my apartment than have my parents spend a ridiculous amount just so I can fly back home for barely four days.

I really want to go home, I do… I’m so homesick that just the thought of not being able to go back is bringing me to tears, but it’s just too expensive. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t found a job yet either. I have relatives that live nearby but I don’t want to be a burden to them either by hanging around them when I have no where else to go.

I have a car so driving is a possibility but I have to find a person willing to drive with me. Being in a new school with hardly any friends is making this rather difficult. Usually I’m fine driving by myself but the thought of a 6 hour drive where things might go wrong just frightens me. Why did I have to choose universities that are so far away from home!?

So a wave of depressed feelings just hit me again. I really don’t know why these happen so randomly… and sometimes they really become hard to deal with.

You know those posts that people reblog that say things like “I’m that person everyone replaces after a while.” I’ve constantly felt that way. There is not one person in my life besides my parents and grandma who hasn’t made me feel this way. I know this may sound needy. I have my parents and my grandma, so shouldn’t that be good enough? But when I get replaced by friends and siblings with other people, it hurts.

It’s become such a problem that I’ve become reluctant to make new friends. I don’t want to go outside and be social, because what’s the point? I know deep down, no matter how well we get along, they’ll never cherish me as much as I do them. It’s probably because I don’t have too many friends. To me, they are the precious few that I’ve allowed to know the real me. But to them, I’m just one among many friends, nothing special. I’m not the least bit interesting and my attachment to them probably becomes a hindrance after a while. 

This has happened quite a few times. I’d be extremely close friends with someone. We’d talk about anything and everything, and then eventually they’d find someone better and gradually forget about me. Do I really have such a terrible personality? Or am I just that uninteresting and unmemorable? I honestly don’t know. I’ve had best friends, friends that said we’d be friends forever, but seriously? Who are they kidding? I don’t even talk to half of these best friends. I guess I’m the fool though, for always getting my hopes up and thinking some friendships may actually last…

I guess the point I’m getting to is I’m terrified of being abandoned. Thrown away like last week’s fashion magazine. I’ve encountered so many disappointments when it comes to social relationships that I don’t want to make any new ones. I’m lonely. I sit in my room the whole day surrounded by my manga and video games. It may seem like an unfulfilling life to most people, but honestly, it’s better than having to deal with being replaced by people you truly cared about.

So it’s been a few hours since I found out Teddy had passed away. I’ve tried calming down and at times I have calmed… but I just can’t remain calm. Whenever I let my mind wander, it always ends up on Teddy. I keep thinking I’ll be able to see him again the next time my grandma comes over. I keep thinking he’ll wag his tail and get all excited when I call his name. But then I realize that won’t happen again. I won’t ever be able to take him out for walks or fall asleep with him on the couch or do anything with him anymore. 

I guess it just hurts a lot more because we weren’t expecting this and he died so suddenly. He was such a nice dog. He had already become completely blind from a genetic disease a few years back, but he behaved just like any other dog. I miss him so much. It doesn’t seem fair that he had to go in such a painful, violent manner. I know he was getting old and we’d have to say good bye eventually but I didn’t want him to end like this. I guess this is also what I get for always calling my dogs babies no matter how old they are. 

I just can’t deal with deaths. My eyes hurt from crying but I can’t seem to stop. Teddy was always part of our family. I really do love him so so much. My friends tell me to focus on the good times we’ve had together, but that only makes me miss him more…

Haven’t posted anything here for a while… Sometimes I think I should just post my personal stuff on my main blog under read more, but I have people I know in real life that look at my blog so that’s not such a good idea sometimes. :/ Maybe I should just keep a journal instead haha… I’ve started so many journals but I always fail at writing in them regularly. Oh dilemmas…

In which I worry about education and life altering decisions

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So the Ethernet port on my laptop somehow broke yesterday and I was without internet for most of the day. T^T It was working just fine the day before that so I’m not really sure what happened and when I clean and look at it, it looks just fine… So today I had to drive to Best Buy and buy a router so I can access the internet in my room. $50 but now I have internet access again. ^^;

On another positive note, I was able to get the housing I had originally wanted after going on the waiting list so I get to live with my current roommate and friends again. :] Sigh, it seems like things are finally turning for the better (though I probably shouldn’t start getting too hopeful if it suddenly takes a bad turn again x.x).

Photos of a beautiful birthday card my aunt gave me today <3

Well after all the bad stuff that’s happened to me lately, I really didn’t have any expectations for today. I just thought it was going to be another miserable day, haha. But I got to play MapleStory with some awesome friends, continuously read an awesome manga that another one of my tumblr friends introduced me to, and my aunt drove down to visit me and took me out to eat sushi for dinner. ^^ I know this all might not seem so great for a birthday to other people, but it really brightened up what had been a horrible month for me and I’m really grateful to all the people that wished me a “Happy Birthday” today.

My parents and two younger siblings are also driving down to SoCal tomorrow for a wedding which means they get to visit me. ^^ Another thing I’m looking forward too. I’m trying to stay as positive as best I can and I’m really hoping things will improve from here. It’s just so difficult when things seem to be crumbling around me…

Why are Aprils always so shitty for me? I should love this month…instead I dread it.

I’m sorry about all the depressing posts lately everyone, but things just haven’t been going well lately for me. :[

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teddybearmonster35 started following you

Aw thanks for following me on my personal blog! Hope I don’t seem like too much of a whiny person here. T^T

Well…I’m back to feeling like a giant piece of shit…as usual *sigh*

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I’m just utterly shocked right now…haha but in a pleasant way at least.

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Spoilers for Bleach Chapter 485

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Just another roommate rant :/

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I just went grocery shopping…even though there’s only 4 more days before I get to go back home. I literally have no food left in my room. OTL Ignoring the horrible traffic and driving skills of people in this area, I really wish I knew how to cook more things so I can just buy all the ingredients I want without having to worry I’ll destroy it with my cooking skills.

In the end, I always end up buying frozen food like dumplings and buns and a few fruits and vegetables. I seriously need to learn how to properly cook meat. Japanese chicken curry and oven broiled drum sticks are the only meat dishes I can make well, haha…

I always wind up getting jealous of my roommate… She never cooks and never bothers to try since her parents only live an hour away and drop off food for her every single week… But I guess it’s a good experience, learning how to feed yourself. I’m just hoping my cooking will improve by the time I’ve become completely independent. x.x

At least I’ll be going home soon so I get to eat my mom’s cooking again. ^^;

I have this weird hobby… Every time I finish an avocado, I save the seed and sprout it. Haha, I enjoy seeing them grow, but since I live in a dorm, I never have a place to pot and keep the plant after it sprouts. :/